If you need me

1.)
I can't always be fine. If you want I can stay by your side,
but I won't always be fine.

It is only a matter of time before you succumb to fire and
release your stiff tired soul into the atmosphere. It's been
a long tired road and the more she leaves the more you forget
about taking care of yourself. The more you remember how terrible
being alone can be. And no amount of creek bed or blue skies, or
green barns can help being alone. The weather feels like your
only company at times and your mind cuts past motivation like
a blinding explosion stripping bodies from their grounded state.
Or cementing to their position. I wish you could care for yourself
because I love you but the demons don't always let love win.
sometimes they build things in us from each other and we can only
promise that we'll hold up so much before we start falling over.
Please be strong.

it's sad because I know you, I know how impossible that is and
how many words are said and how many promises are lost and how
you don't care about yourself just your paranoia and I want you
to be okay but I know the past. And I know me, and I don't know if I can
handle it and I'm really scared. I hope you're okay in two years
but there is too much that doesn't fit to say for sure.

2.) It's not okay for me to have to push myself away from you just
to talk to you. It's not right to single out your joy from your life
just to be able to talk to you without crying or screaming at you.

I just want you to grow up and be strong and have something true in you.
But your eyelashes are too thick to see through and your stubborn hands
push away whatever does sink in. I haven't seen you cry for a real hurt
in such a long time and I feel like I'm losing you to a mad dash to
an early death. And if early isn't what takes place I don't want to see
where you are in fifteen years. I don't want to see you looking older
than me and sucking nicotine in through your thin lips with your eyes
lost and your hands shaky.

I remember your big eyes and small hands and how you saved me from my
ignorance when we were just kids. Your hands are still small and your
eyes are not so big but you're not trying to save anyone. Maybe for a
second but things change when you're busy.

We have shared a lot of things but I don't want to share your misery.

3.) You're cold and I'm starting to feel like a temporary guest
in your life.

When you're a kid mistakes are small and easily forgiven. As you start growing
up the mistakes get worse and bigger, and the forgiving process is much more
difficult. Especially when they expect so much. I cannot bullshit you just
to be someone you care for.

4.) Why is it always you?

You are used to my swollen fears, and my inflated complaints. But how is that
when they become true you are still here and I cannot help but become dependent.

This is too much,
but most everyone I know is standing in a sandpit.
Their hands gripping a limb and hearts loud and beats uneven.

Somehow you even things out. Makes it harder to say I don't want you.